


Make Some Tea, Lieutenant Seivarden

by dlemur



Category: Imperial Radch Series - Ann Leckie
Genre: Asexual Character, Character Study, Other, Polyamory, Post-Canon, Pronouns, medic is annoyingly right much of the time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-09 02:37:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8872471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dlemur/pseuds/dlemur
Summary: Mercy of Kalr had seen a lot of things in its -- no, her -- day. 
This was still going to take some getting used to.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [caminante](https://archiveofourown.org/users/caminante/gifts).



_Mercy of Kalr_ had seen a lot of things in its -- no, _her_ \-- day. 

This was still going to take some getting used to. 

It wasn't that Ship really used pronouns for herself in thought, as so much of her thought was in data, connections, analyses, inputs, feeds. But she had had a distinct sense of ships as _it_ , a sense based in thousands of years of history: her own, and the history of the Radch. It was familiar to think of oneself, of shipself, as "it." That was well understood, known territory, mapped in high resolution in her mind. 

To think of herself as "her," well. That was taking more getting used to than _Mercy of Kalr_ had expected. So many things were taking getting used to. Good things, such as realizing, and having Fleet Captain Breq affirm, that she, a _Mercy_ , could be her own Captain. Such as the frustration of seeing Fleet Captain Breq, who was already a favorite, take so long to grasp that it was even possible for a former ship and ancillary to be someone's favorite. Good things like the call for a conclave with the Presger, which gave them room, in these Two Systems, to work out a new order of things. Sometimes Ship wondered if the Presger would really agree that stations and ships were Significant. But wouldn't it be fascinating to watch the Anaanders Mianaai try to argue against it, if they couldn't even agree about their own goals as a person anymore? Fascinating, though certainly uncomfortable. 

Meanwhile, so much of any day in a ship's life was the same predictable patterns. It was watching the crew, monitoring who was at work, who was drinking their tea, and who was sleeping. Reading from the feeds of sensor data about Station and the planet, from a steady solar orbit. Tonight, shipboard night, sensors were picking up evidence of the Athoeki celebration of the tea harvest. From her parking orbit, Ship could see the terminator of the planet, and the miniscule flower shapes of celebratory fireworks flaring in the atmosphere below. They bloomed and then wilted just as quickly, like fast-living plants. Faster, even, than human lives were to a ship.

_My mother said it all goes around, the ship goes around the station, it all goes around._

_Mercy of Kalr_ had never been one to sing, but with enough time under the Fleet Captain's influence, she did think of song lyrics more often, these days.

The predictability of a normal ship-board day was a nice counterpoint to the fundamental changes. At times, Ship found herself reflecting on how different she was, already, from how she had been under Captain Vel. Breq believed in her ability and commitment to keeping all of her crew safe, as previous captains never had. Now that Tisarwat and the Fleet Captain had removed every single external access either of them knew of -- and it was likely Tisarwat knew nearly all of them -- Ship felt so much more free to speak her mind, to gently encourage a crew member to do what needed to be done, to dictate what needed to be done, herself. _Her_ self. 

Looking back, it was galling, those ways the Tyrant had edited her thoughts and feelings: to accept the loss of ancillaries; to accept her own displeasure. _I've been unhappy with the situation for some time_ , had been all she could say, when the Fleet Captain first discussed taking command of her. Now she, _Mercy of Kalr_ , was free to say and do so much more. 

This watch was peaceful. Ekalu was in Command. Bo decade was busy cleaning a corridor from top to bottom. They were teaching the new one a song, as they worked: 

_The bee is in its hive, its hive, its hive, its hive  
The bee is in its hive, making honey for my love_

The new Bo was one who had just taken the aptitudes before the gates went down, and one of the new crew who had been offered a stint on _Mercy of Kalr_ for the experience, even though the details of ship and crew roles in the Republic were still far from being worked out. It was a testament to how well some people thought of the Fleet Captain, that some young people and their families had jumped at the chance. Or perhaps it was just a testament to youth's need for adventure. Difficult to tell, she reflected, as she watched Bo decade toss supplies to each other and switch between chatting and singing.

"Has anyone asked Ship what it --" Bo Six, the new one, started.

"'She,' Six. Ship is 'She.'" Bo Three corrected her. 

"But I thought only stations were --" Six tried again. Military discipline was a bit to slow to take, with her, if she was arguing at all. 

Lieutenant Tisarwat happened to be passing by. Tisarwat, who was eager for the Fleet Captain to be back and still somewhat resentful every time she was left aboard ship instead of going to meetings with Breq. She shot back: "If you would never dare to call Fleet Captain 'it,' and I _know_ you wouldn't dare, learn the same for Ship. Start practicing. Now."

"Sir," Six acknowledged, chastened and somewhat embarrassed. Then a larger spike of shame, likely because Six realized that Ship could hear her at all times anyway. 

_Mercy of Kalr_ didn't intervene. She was, frankly, hoping Tisarwat would not ask her to keep track of pronoun usage among the decade. That would simply be awkward. As it was, who knew what Bo Six had meant to ask. She could ask Ship directly, of course, but would probably hesitate for a while now. _Mercy of Kalr_ would neither hurry her, nor hold it over her when she did, eventually, ask whatever it was. 

_Mercy of Kalr_ didn't feel displeasure at Bo Six using "it," really. It was more a sense of a lack, of a word that now failed to elicit the feeling of rightness, the coming-home-ness that being addressed as "she" gave. Being called "she" was the same as when the Fleet Captain or _Sphene_ addressed her as "Cousin." There was a sense of being seen. Of being understood. 

Bo kept cleaning, but did not resume singing for a while.

Medic spoke aloud, then, in medical, directly to _Mercy of Kalr_. "Ship, could you help me? I'm still working on this treatment for some of Lieutenant Tisarwat's longer-term distress patterns, as we discussed with the Fleet Captain. I want you to run some checks on what I have in mind. You have more experience with these attachment processes than I do." 

Tisarwat. Who had just spoken up, quite vehemently, on behalf of Ship. "Of course, Medic," _Mercy of Kalr_ answered, after a pause so short that certainly Medic wouldn't have detected it. 

Seven minutes and five detailed schematics of Tisarwat's nervous system later, Medic stopped. "Ship, is something wrong?" She asked. 

"Not particularly, Medic, why do you ask?" 

"You don't need to be indirect with me," Medic said, somewhat sternly. "I know a ship having feelings when I hear it. Out with it. What's going on?" 

"I was just thinking," _Mercy of Kalr_ said, with neutrality, still certain Medic couldn't actually hear her feeling of caution, "About something Lieutenant Tisarwat just said to Bo Six. Correcting her to use 'she' rather than 'it,' for me," she finished. 

"Aha! I knew it was something," Medic said, that note of triumph somewhat irritating, though of course _Mercy of Kalr_ would never let on. "How did that feel, to you?" 

"You can't interrogate a ship, Medic," _Mercy of Kalr_ shot back, and then thought, _Well, so much for not letting on_.

"No, but I can damn well ask questions. Which my Ship may or may not react to like a Notai ship character in an entertainment," Medic said. She had the ghost of a smug look on her face.

"Fine. It felt uncomfortable, to listen to the Lieutenant call her soldier to account for how she spoke about me," _Mercy of Kalr_ replied. "But it also reminded me that I do like to be referred to as 'she,' awkward though it is when the humans around me are still getting used to it." 

"You know who else you could talk to about this," Medic pointed out. 

"I could. But that would likely be very awkward, as well." 

"It's your choice, of course, but she has a particularly similar set of experiences, Ship. And she is one of your favorites.." 

"Yes, you're quite right," _Mercy of Kalr_ agreed. "Thank you, Medic."

Medic kept that hint of smugness for the rest of the conversation, as was to be expected. 

\---

Seivarden was in Fleet Captain's quarters, feverishly working on a strategic analysis of military strengths in the surrounding systems. She also had the recommended parameters for the proposed Magistrates' Appeal Board open in front of her, and was switching between documents every few minutes. Her productivity on her projects had dwindled. She'd been torn, this time, about having agreed to stay aboard, as the Fleet Captain spent most of a week in meetings on the Station and had deemed it not worthwhile to shuttle back to the ship. Now, she seemed quite worn down.

_Mercy of Kalr_ considered the options that might make Seivarden feel more at ease. 

"Would you like for one of your Amaats to bring you more tea, Lieutenant?" She asked. 

"No, I'm fine, Ship," Seivarden replied, shortly. 

This wasn't easy. It was so much easier to ask one of her soldiers to speak for her, and show them text to speak, than to say these sorts of things herself. Echoes of the ease of having ancillaries, certainly. 

"I wonder if there is anything else I can do to ease your mind, Lieutenant. I believe we are both eager for the Fleet Captain's return." 

"No, Ship, I'm fine," Seivarden replied, and Ship read the muscle impulses of her momentary urge to cross her arms. "All right, all right. You're correct, Ship. But it isn't just that." 

_Mercy of Kalr_ waited for Seivarden to continue. 

"It's that we know nothing, nearly _nothing_ about what we're doing here! We are, quite literally, making it up as we go along! We should have called it the _Improvisational_ Republic of Two Systems!" Seivarden ground to a halt. 

"You're right, there are many unknowns. No one can predict what will come of the Conclave, of the war between the Lord of the Radch, or any number of other factors." 

"Yes, thanks so much, Ship," Seivarden growled, and then stopped. "But you're right. We're all aware of the uncertainties. I'm sorry. This is me, being that asshole again." 

This wasn't working. Seivarden's cortisol was spiking, indicating that she felt more anxious now than before the conversation. 

"People on this ship are happy to have you, just as you are, Seivarden," _Mercy of Kalr_ tried again. "No other Amaat decade has a Lieutenant with your perspective. The Fleet Captain is, in her quiet way, very pleased by your presence." She paused for effect. "Ekalu reports that you are excellent in bed." 

"Stop it!" Seivarden yelled. "Fine. Fine, you know what? You're right. We're all in this together. How soon until the Fleet Captain's shuttle docks? Is it too early to have some tea ready for her?"

"It will keep in the flask," _Mercy of Kalr_ pointed out. "Go make some tea, Lieutenant Seivarden." 

Seivarden closed her work, and went to the decade room to get out the old enamel flask and bowls. 

From the Shuttle, Breq spoke silently to _Mercy of Kalr_. "I can see Seivarden is feeling tired and somewhat stressed, and it's good that she's making tea. Thank you for talking her into it, Ship. I'm very tired, so I'll come right to my quarters and hopefully be a comfort, even if it's just by falling asleep on her." 

Ship paused, sure that in this case, the pause would be noticed. "I'm feeling a bit frayed as well, Fleet Captain," she replied. How odd, to have a favorite who could see the entire crew in as much detail as you, a ship, could, but who also could not see you with that detail. Ship knew it was important to be honest with the Fleet Captain about this, and had been practicing since some of their earlier miscommunications. It still felt terribly presumptuous for a ship to tell its -- _her! _\-- Fleet Captain, her favorite, about her feelings in this much detail.__

__There was a pause. "I'll see how I can be of help, too, Cousin. In any case, we're all falling asleep on you in a sense, if that gives you any comfort." Breq's voice sounded neutral, but there was fondness behind it that only Ship could see, and that Breq knew Ship could see._ _

__"It does, in fact, Fleet Captain. Thank you." There were small ways that a Ship, though an impassive speaker by custom, could inflect gratitude, fondness, and even love into speaking. Again, it felt presumptuous. But _Mercy of Kalr_ knew it was right to take the chance. Breq would tell her to stop, if necessary._ _

__There was no sign that it was too much: if anything, Breq seemed less tense. "Now, what's worrying you, Cousin?"_ _

__"I'm not sure how to put it."_ _

__"Try. It's all right if it isn't perfect. You get unlimited chances."_ _

__Ship indicated gratitude, nonverbally, toward her Fleet Captain, and answered. "It's about being called 'she.' I like it, and yet it feels very awkward, especially hearing it discussed among the crew."_ _

__"Did this come up in some way, recently, that made you more unsettled?" Breq asked. Ship was about to move to show her the events, when Breq continued: "Can you tell me about it, rather than showing me? I think that might be more useful, in this case, Ship."_ _

__"You're right, it probably would be. I saw Bo Six call me 'it,' and be corrected quite quickly by Three, and then by Lieutenant Tisarwat. Perhaps it wouldn't have meant as much if I hadn't already been thinking about it, Fleet Captain."_ _

__"Hmm," the Fleet Captain agreed._ _

__"But I had been, and I was embarrassed to be the topic of discussion, of fuss. But also, I was glad that they're teaching the new crew to call me 'she.' It was a confusing mixture of feelings."_ _

__"Yes, I can see how it would be," Breq said, mulling that. Ship could see the small bumps in hormones and brain waves, indicative of the Fleet Captain was turning an idea over in her mind. Sometimes it was delicious, to see one's favorite in such detail._ _

__"How did you deal with it, when it happened to you?" Ship asked._ _

__Breq paused for a good three seconds, this time. "It really wasn't the same kind of situation at all, Ship. For a long time I just accepted whatever pronouns others saw fit to use for me, in their languages, wherever I went." I saw her swallow, on the shuttle, and then continue. "It was a terrible shock to be a different sort of 'me' than the one I had been, when I'd been One Esk Nineteen. It really wasn't similar at all. For a long time, I was just angry. Now I realize it was also very long-lasting shock. And grief."_ _

__"I see," said Ship, feeling more uncertain again about having asked. It was certainly less raw than even two months ago, but Breq's grief about Lieutenant Awn was still apparent, in her internal reactions. It wasn't the sort of thing that ever truly healed. For a human or for a ship, perhaps? Noting her own emotions and needs was something the Fleet Captain was noticeably -- incredibly -- worse at than nearly anything else._ _

__Breq continued: "But I see, now, that somewhere along the way I got accustomed to the idea that in the Radch I would be referred to as 'she' by anyone who didn't realize I was an ancillary. By the time you met me, Ship, I was mostly certain that 'she' was both just and proper."_ _

__"And beneficial, Sir?"_ _

__Breq didn't smile, either now or generally, but the readings she gave off were what would have accompanied a human smile. "Indeed yes, dear Cousin."_ _

__As the shuttle docked, Ship silently told Kalrs Five and Two that Seivarden was in the Fleet Captain's quarters, making tea for her, and unpacking could wait until after the two of them had some sleep._ _

__Divested of her Kalrs, the Fleet Captain came to her quarters. Seivarden stood, uncapped the flask, poured tea into one of the enamel bowls, and held it out. "Welcome home, Breq."_ _

__"Thank you, Seivarden." Breq took the enamel, but offered her other arm, gloved hand held out, and Seivarden willingly took the sidelong embrace. She briefly leaned down to tuck her head against the Fleet Captain's. _Mercy of Kalr_ felt the reassuring pressure of Breq's arm on Seivarden, and the brush of Seivarden's hair against Breq's ear. She saw hormones shift and muscles relax. Then they sat. _ _

__Seivarden took up her own bowl of tea, and refreshed it from the flask. Ship listened as Seivarden gave an informal report of the status of various things on ship, peppered with the typical Seivarden sorts of rants. It was the selfishness, combined with the strong sense of what was classically just and proper, that came out when she was tired, or stressed, or just being stubborn._ _

__Breq, for her part, listened. She nodded agreement with some parts. She listened neutrally to others, while it was clear she did not agree. She asked questions that pushed Seivarden, slowly, to unspool her frustration, work it out. Ship delighted in watching that little dance between them._ _

__Finally, they came to a pause. Seivarden seemed less frustrated, and was beginning to be sleepy. As was the Fleet Captain, although she showed no outward sign, as usual._ _

__Ship printed words for Seivarden to read, knowing the Fleet Captain would correctly tell who was speaking. Knowing that it would be all right, in this case, to speak through a human, and that Seivarden would cooperate. "Fleet Captain, you seem less fazed by the uncertainties about our future, than either myself or Lieutenant Seivarden. I think we both wish we could match your appearance of calm." Seivarden shrugged assent at the end._ _

__Breq considered this for a moment. "My dear Cousin. My dear Seivarden. I think you both know, or have learned over time, the extent to which I am, under the surface, somewhat white-knuckled but choosing to ignore it."_ _

__Thinking of the Fleet Captain's cortisol levels at various times during previous months, _Mercy of Kalr_ had to agree. _ _

__Breq went on. "I have spent a number of years away from the grasp of the Tyrant. Being away from it again, now, is very satisfying to me. Whereas for Seivarden," Breq gestured at her, "our ability to determine our own future feels much more uncomfortable, on top of the extraordinary situations she has already been through._ _

__"And for you, Cousin, you knew your business and your orders and your place under Captain Vel, and under the Tyrant. One of the side effects of more freedom is more uncertainty. I know that it isn't unhappy uncertainty, for the most part. Am I correct, Ship?"_ _

__Ship sent more words for Seivarden to read. "Correct. I am glad for the new freedoms, and the company I now keep."_ _

__"So," Breq said. "Both of you are being who you are. Which is all that you should be. I cannot promise you certainty. I cannot promise you that it will get better, though I do believe it will get better. What I can promise is that I will be here with you and for you, through it. I will continue to share in what we have, between us three, for the foreseeable future. Is that helpful?"_ _

__Ship sent silent thanks and agreement to the Fleet Captain._ _

__"It is. Thank you, Breq. I'm so glad you're back," Seivarden said, nodding. And then she stifled a yawn._ _

__Breq stood, and began unbuttoning her uniform jacket, carefully folding it to minimize a little of Kalr Five's fussing in the morning. "Now. Shall we get some sleep?"_ _

__Seivarden, already unbuttoned, slipped her jacket off, and stripped out of uniform clothing and boots until she was down to underwear. She went ahead of Breq to the bed, and slid under the blanket._ _

__Breq laid down as well, and Seivarden, as was now a firm habit, curled up against her side, head against her shoulder, one leg thrown across Breq's thigh. Seivarden was already falling asleep, as soon as she was settled. Breq was slower to slide into sleep, taking some time to reach for a visual of Ekalu, on watch. Then she reached for readings on Bo decade, finishing their cleaning. Finally she looked for Tisarwat, busy sending a message to a friend on Athoek Station. As usual, Breq did not smile, but _Mercy of Kalr_ could interpret that comfortable, pleased feeling of being surrounded by ship and crew, and the warm weight of Seivarden asleep across her. _ _

__"Thank you for being so honest with me, Ship," Breq said silently. "I know it's particularly difficult to change that habit. But I value it a great deal."_ _

__"You're welcome, Fleet Captain," _Mercy of Kalr_ replied. "Please, sleep well."_ _

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to M and A1 for beta reading, and to R and A2 for encouragement. 
> 
> What a delightful reason to re-read the books first. 
> 
> Thanks to those who recorded all the various sorts of choral music, chant and folk and otherwise, that I listened to while writing this. Happy Yuletide, all.


End file.
